It’s been a long time since I wrote a blog post. If I’m honest I’ve really missed it. I stopped way back in 2014 when I went to coaching school and my instructor was adamant that we not blog about anything besides our specific niche and since I didn’t know who my “target market” was I dutifully stopped. Which looking back was weird because I’m not usually one to do what I’m told.

OK – so that’s probably not the only reason as to why I stopped. I’d also had several photos stolen and then my entire blog was cloned and I was feeling very discouraged.

The years passed and I’ve often thought of starting anew, but I’ve hesitated until now. I guess you could say this is my coming out. Brene Brown says that to heal shame we must speak it out loud and stop hiding. In the recovery world there’s a saying that we’re only as sick as our secrets. I’m done hiding and keeping secrets. I’m kicking shame to the curb by telling my truth. It won’t be pretty at first, but I hope to keep going until it is.

I feel like I’ve been on a healing journey most of my life. I don’t always like that saying “a healing journey”, but it is what it is and we all know what it means. I’ve been on mine truly since September 2016 where over the course of about 10 days I learned that I had a brain tumour, that I had to have my spleen removed ASAP and that my husband had been unfaithful. Those events topped off a lifetime of chronic stress and trauma. Those events knocked me on my ass and I’ve spent the last 7.5 years trying my damndest to get back up. It hasn’t been easy and along the way there have been more very difficult times, but I’m still trying.

In fact I’ve tried so many different things I can’t even recall them all. But I’ll give it a try here….

Talk therapy, trauma therapy, brain spotting, doctors, specialists, naturopaths, homeopaths, energy workers, vitamins/supplements, movement, somatic practitioners, classes, courses, too many books to count, podcasts, meditation, medical cannabis, CBD oil, massage, yoga and just about anything that might have helped.

I’m tired….so fucking tired.

A few things have helped a little, trauma therapy has helped quite a bit and continues to be helpful, giving up wine more than 2 years ago helped a lot, but nothing has really made a huge difference in my life. I’m up off my ass, but it doesn’t take much to knock me down again. I’m so tired of only just surviving, of only just keeping my head above water.

I want to get a full refreshing night sleep after years of chronic insomnia. I want to laugh until the tears run down my cheeks. I want to stop worrying about whether or not I’m enough – but not too much in all of my interactions. I want to jump out of bed in the morning looking forward to what lies ahead in my day.

I want to remember what happiness feels like in my body.

There’s one thing I haven’t tried. Not in my quest to heal trauma – or any other time in my life.

I’m going to try just being me. I’m going to do that here without censoring myself or pretending or masking or anything else.

I’m 55 years old and I’ve never just let myself be me. That’s what this is about. I’m going to write about my experiences. I’m going to stop hiding, stop pretending that the entirety of my life hasn’t been one long trauma response. I’m going to stop keeping secrets so I can get healthy and well for the first time in my life. Shame can go fuck itself. It’s not welcome here.

In my life there have been a few themes – trauma and shame being what I’ve been hiding from and trying to heal from at the same time, all the while keeping it secret. There are others; namely creativity and meditation/contemplation, and these are what are going to heal me.

I’ve come to believe through the last year or so of trauma therapy that what I most need is to talk about all the shame and trauma that I’ve been hiding, and to allow myself to just be me and do what I love to do – meditate and create.

So welcome to The Contemplative Creative. I hope you’ll join me and I also hope you’ll share you own stories with me. We can’t heal in isolation – we’re in this together and since I know how alone I’ve felt for a very long time I invite you to join me on my healing journey. Together we’ll heal and create better lives and maybe even help heal the world a little bit.